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our journey to adoption

Back in May, I had a dream on the night of a full moon where my partner was holding a young boy. I see children in terms of how I would photograph them. He was 9 months or so – sitting up but not yet walking. I woke to the memory and thought, “That’s sweet. I wonder if that’ll ever happen for me.” I went to meditate as I do most mornings before sunrise.

When she came home from work the same day talking of a child who needed a home, the hairs on my neck stood end over end. I hadn’t – until then – told her of my dream, and I started to cry because I really don’t always believe in these energetic gifts that I have. Some have called me clairvoyant; I don’t really think I am. I grew up in a home where in order to keep the peace, it was necessary for me to attune to others’ emotions. I’m connected. I have guides who accompany me through this life; we all do. I spent the majority of my teens and twenties trying to tune out, and through yoga and sobriety, I’ve come to feel again. And, honestly, it’s a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. Part of the reason I could be in relationship with people I allowed to manipulate and abuse me was because I was numb. And, now, I just can’t.

I’ve learned about boundaries this year. And sometimes, when people don’t respect boundaries, I’ve learned about walls. And, this doesn’t sound very yogic, I know. But, my heart is worth protecting. I learned at a young age that people who loved you would hurt you, and I don’t know that’s the sort of love I want to keep attracting. Perhaps, as I enter this journey of motherhood, I’m wanting to create a new generational pattern.

Love used to mean I’ll buy you things and take you places (to make up for being absent / abusive, etc. and so you’ll do what I want you to do so that I can be ok). And now, I think love means I want the best for you and I expect nothing in return. I’m not really responsible for making anyone else in this world ok.

I’m ok.

I’m ok regardless of what’s happening around me. I’m ok even if people don’t approve of me.

I’m ok.

This is progress. Painful progress.

So when I had the dream, the timing was not perfect; it never is. I was in the middle of yoga teacher training and planning upcoming yoga retreats; we’d just bought a house and were rebuilding our savings. You know, first world pains? We filled out the paperwork anyway. We took all the classes and read all the information and completed all of the interviews. We locked up our medications and put plastic child proof things on our electrical outlets and posted a list of family rules on our wall and we waited. And, we kept asking about him – this boy in my dream who matched the boy who needed a home.

This year, I learned patience. I learned to live one day at a time all over again. And, in my powerlessness, I learned to walk by faith. God doesn’t work on our time.

We didn’t get him; we got another boy. He didn’t meet the description, and I knew it would be hard and not end well, but something inside me when I read about him said, yes…we have to give him a chance. If we don’t, who will? And because of my background in trauma and the energetic gifts I like to deny I have, I thought if anyone could help him, maybe we could.

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There are so many children, y’all. So many children waiting for someone to love them. When you’re privy to read the case studies, you just die a little bit inside each time.

I went to Target and bought all the things and fell in love with him instantly.

And, then, as quickly as he came, he was gone. The vision I had of what helping him would look like didn’t match the reality of what happened. Not at all.

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The end. Or was it the beginning? The middle – who knows? The Hindus believe we’re always in one of these three phases.

Because I’d not shared this part of my life with hardly anyone, I grieved mostly alone. And, it sounds silly to grieve a soul you barely know. I still pray for him and think of him and hope he’s happy. The human spirit is resilient. Sometimes we don’t get as much time as we’d like with people. But, I know that nothing goes away until it teaches us what we need to know. And, more is always revealed…on God’s time, not mine.

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